The Serenity Prayer
In my dimly lit ICU of 16 beds,there is a bed no 6, Dont let the number fool you,its not further down in the list of sick patients.My most sick patient has been on that bed for the last 45days. If you could call anyone a sweet looking grandfatherly patient there would be none other. A 65 year old sweet gentleman was brought on ventillator and is being treated for severe breathing difficulty (ARDS for those who u know ;) ).he has been a picture of a strong willed, forward looking optimistic generation of people who are seen only by a handful in our generation(me included). For the last 40 days he has greeted every one with a smile in the morning,even with a hole in his throat to help him breath(trachestomy) with a ventillator and tube through his nose to feed him.He,a pediatrician by profession has been a resilient soul with an apology every morning for accidentally pulling out his feeding tube.None of the sisters mind that extra job because he is the kind of patient you want to look after. He is the kind of patient who's smile makes all your hard work at reaching there seem useful.Ever the picture of serenity he makes me wonder what a wonderful child doctor he must have been.
We have been fighting a long and arduous struggle to make him go back to the wonderful pediatrician he was. Every day has thrown a new curveball which seemed harder than the last to treat.
There is something to learn from every patient you see,that is what makes you a better doctor and a better person, BUT he has been teaching more than one lesson,be it the courage you can show in adversity or the resilience of the human soul.
It had almost seemed like we were winning. He had reached a point where he could sit and talk to his sweet wife.You could see the love and concern between them and be amazed at the warmth and love that was so palpably there.It was the kind of relationship i would want have with my husband after 40years of married life.
BUT almost was all we ever reached at. For the last 5 days he has been on a downward spiral with nothing going for him,least of it being his lungs.The battle is still being fought,but this time with an inner feeling of desolation.This juncture is where i am not so sure anymore, whether all human efforts, which we strive for while treating someone, is keeping him bound to earth for just our own peace of mind.
Have we reached a point where we are making him suffer more than we are helping him? But then who are we to make that kind of choices? When should we think that enough is enough?And when is it morally and ethically right to say do not do any more?
With just 2 years of experience on trying to be a clinician i am probably the lowest in the rung of ladder to be making any of these decisions or choices but i hope that when i reach a point in my life when i shall be the one calling the shots,i know how to.
This prayer is the one request i have..
GOD grant me
the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can AND
the wisdom to know the difference..
We have been fighting a long and arduous struggle to make him go back to the wonderful pediatrician he was. Every day has thrown a new curveball which seemed harder than the last to treat.
There is something to learn from every patient you see,that is what makes you a better doctor and a better person, BUT he has been teaching more than one lesson,be it the courage you can show in adversity or the resilience of the human soul.
It had almost seemed like we were winning. He had reached a point where he could sit and talk to his sweet wife.You could see the love and concern between them and be amazed at the warmth and love that was so palpably there.It was the kind of relationship i would want have with my husband after 40years of married life.
BUT almost was all we ever reached at. For the last 5 days he has been on a downward spiral with nothing going for him,least of it being his lungs.The battle is still being fought,but this time with an inner feeling of desolation.This juncture is where i am not so sure anymore, whether all human efforts, which we strive for while treating someone, is keeping him bound to earth for just our own peace of mind.
Have we reached a point where we are making him suffer more than we are helping him? But then who are we to make that kind of choices? When should we think that enough is enough?And when is it morally and ethically right to say do not do any more?
With just 2 years of experience on trying to be a clinician i am probably the lowest in the rung of ladder to be making any of these decisions or choices but i hope that when i reach a point in my life when i shall be the one calling the shots,i know how to.
This prayer is the one request i have..
GOD grant me
the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can AND
the wisdom to know the difference..
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